I woke up later than usual and the sun’s rays had already begun to turn the night rain into a steamy Florida morning. The very first responsibility every morning, after dressing and running a brush through my hair, is taking my 11-pound Lhasa, Jenny, for her half-hour walk. She is afraid of stairs so we take the elevator from the second floor of my apartment building to ground level. This Florida-styled stucco building is a huge three-story construction in the shape of a “U” with 20 units on each of the two sides of the “U” and 7 units along the back. In the middle of the “U” is the circular drive and the parking area in the middle, which has a center strip of palm trees and grass. The front entry for each of the apartments opens out to long open-air corridor that looks out over drive, the parking area, and the grassy-strip with palms. A large swimming pool is tucked in the center of the “U” at the end of the complex and the backside of the apartments opens to a golf-course, and a forested area. I have always liked driving into the entry at night because the row of palm trees that are lighted by ground lights and the Caribbean blue pool that glistens from floodlights make me feel like I am on vacation. Between every six units, runs a ten-foot wide firewall corridor, which is the full 40-foot length of the apartment units. These corridors are perpendicular to the outside corridors and break the U into sections, just in case there is a fire in one unit, damage can be contained. At the far end of each firewall corridor is a floor-to-ceiling, 10’ X 10’ mesh screen.
This morning, as I approached the elevator with Jenny on her leash, a rustling sound coming from the far end of the corridor caught my attention. When I looked down that firewall corridor, I noticed that a bluebird had gotten itself trapped on the inside of the screen and was thrashing around against the screen at the far left corner. I suspect that the sounds of human and dog coming down the outer corridor caused the little creature to go into panic. As I approached, I could see that there was a small hole in the bottom far right part of the screen and I assumed the bird must have come in that way and then was unable to find its way back out. I tied Jenny’s leash to a post in the corridor and walked toward the tiny bird. My intention was to help the bird free itself from the corner where it was beating its little body against the screen to break out, and then coax it toward the hole, or outward to the external corridor, and freedom. But the bird became so frightened it flipped onto its back and seemed to have gotten its little feet caught in the screen, as if it was trying to tear a hole in the mesh to escape.

Continue reading →

Something happened recently that I didn’t understand at the time. I was driving in the far-left lane of the three lanes going east on Fletcher to a friend’s home for a celebration dinner. It was around 3:30 in the afternoon as I was headed toward Bruce B. Downs, major North/South road. Fletcher is a 6-lane thoroughfare. I was traveling with the traffic at the speed limit, between 45 – 50 MPH, when I noticed that not too far ahead on my left there was a woman with three children standing in the median between the east and west lanes. There were no cars ahead of me in my lane or in the other two for that matter, but there was a whole regiment of automobiles right behind me in all three lanes.

All of a sudden the little girl bolted out into the empty space between where she was standing and those of us in the cars speeding toward her, attempting to make it across the three lanes ahead of the oncoming traffic. I slammed on my brakes, leaned on my horn, and flipped the flasher, while holding tightly to the wheel to keep my car going very straight.

Without knowing how I knew I just knew that I needed to stop without swerving in either direction. To swerve to the left to avoid the child would have meant that I would have likely killed the woman and the other two children, or I would have had a head on accident with the westbound traffic. If I swerved to the right and if she had managed to outrun my car, I would have hit her in the middle lane, and likely would have crashed into the cars that were behind me in the middle and right lanes.
Continue reading →

(Written September, 1997)

Almost no sleep for two nights bought on by completing the writing of a book, Dealing with Death Discovering Life, caused me to be so tired I didn’t think I could think any more. Lots had happened the last few days, including concern over money, computer problems that led me close to a decision to by a new PC, and I began wondering about Krugerands that I had, but didn’t have any idea where I had put them. I wondered where they were… “must be in storage in Seattle,” I figured. I’d been thinking about the fact that I would be gone a lot in the weeks ahead. There was so much planning still needed for completing my coursework in graduate school, talking to the Dean of Faculty about my project and my hopes–all sorts of things were spinning around in my head.

I looked at what I earned the previous month, which was barely $1000, the lowest amount since I began my practice, but I knew I needed to do all the internal work I had done in September, which always had a way of causing my professional work to decline. I noticed how much money I had in the bank. The nearly three weeks I’d be gone in the next month with no income caused me to wonder how my financial needs would be met. If I found those Krugerands, maybe worth a great deal by now, my worries could be over…but I didn’t know where they were.
Continue reading →

Episode One
I am outside on a bright sunny day walking toward a house when I observe my new, bright yellow, powerful looking car. I am pleased and surprised that this is mine. I go into the house without driving my car. When I come in I prepare meat for a meal and then I become aware that my husband and his closest friend, who represents everything in men that I dislike, want me to play a game with them. It is a form of Scrabble with many dice pieces that have letters on them. As I play, I am feeling distraught that the meat is not done, because if not done on time I might have a problem to deal with. I continue to play with them. The dice have been thrown, and I notice that near the top of my group of dice are letters that spell out KEEP and scattered in the middle and lower collection of dice are four that spell out HOPE. I am pleased that I found two words. Someone bumps the table and messes up my letters. The letters forming the words were on one side of the dice so the bumping causes the letters to tumble and change to other sides of the dice that no longer have the words. I frantically try to make the letters the way they were, but they are upside down and sideways so I am not able to reassemble them the way they were if I am to have a chance to win in the game. I become very upset that they have fallen and are scattered. I begin to shake. I collect them but can’t reassemble the letters spelling HOPE or KEEP. I am feeling extremely shattered.
My body is shaking from the inside out. I take my fallen and scattered letters and forcefully put them back in the box. Some of the pieces of the game are from virtual empire a game that I endorsed in a television commercial in waking life just a few days before…a game to encourage people to become empowered and create wealth. I return the pieces of the game to the box container so forcefully that I almost break the container. I apologize to my husband’s friend for nearly tearing the box of his game and explain that I am shaking too much on the inside. I show him my trembling hands and tell them I have to leave now.
Continue reading →

Walking Through The Valley of the Shadow of Death
By Sandy Sela-Smith, Ph.D.

In spite of the world situation after September of 2001, the presumed threats that seemed to be under every rock and around every corner, despite the political responses that held the potential to change our lives more than crashing planes or anthrax, I felt good. I felt good in spite of the fact that my feet had begun to hurt again, as they had a couple of times before when I was working through significant life issues that had to do with moving forward in my life. I’d been seeing two body therapists to help me relieve the pain in my feet and I changed my diet as a result of a blood test given by a naturopath. The results indicated that my eating habits were compromising my immune system, and likely were a contributing factor to the painful experience when I walked. All of this considered, I still felt more calm and confident than ever before as I embraced what I knew was the truth, that I was eternally safe no matter what might happen in the outer world.
Continue reading →

The Dream

In the dream, It seems that that it is night. I am in a confined place, thought it feels as if it is in public. I am aware that there are loud sounds everywhere around me and many people are nearby. The people are moving strangely but it is hard to see them clearly because there seems to be a fog everywhere. In time everything seems to get quiet and an old woman that I think I know approaches me. The old woman leaves. I can see through the spaces that seem like slats of some sort. There is a pungent smell in the air that makes it hard to breathe, but at least the noise has stopped and all the people seem to be sleeping. I feel very tired and so relieved that it is quiet. It seems that in the dream, I fall into a welcome sleep.

In my dream, I am awakened in the middle of my sleep by a sound. I see hands reaching for me. The hands pull me up and away from where I have been sleeping. I am frightened because the hands are rough and don’t hold me carefully. I want to cry but the hands cover my mouth. The hands are a man’s hands. The man carries me over people who are sleeping, through a door, and into the darkness of the night. I see the image of something that looks like a car silhouetted against the night sky. I hear the sound of a car door opening.

I feel helpless, and cannot move, as if something has completely overpowered me. I hear a loud sound, like a door shutting and hear the sound of an engine. I think I am on the seat of a car, but I am not sure; everything is so dark, and I seem to have no control over my body; I am frightened. I can see lights and dials flashing above me. I am terrified. I cry out but no one comes to help me. A hand pushes hard against my chest and I can no longer cry out.

It seems like a very long time has passed. Then everything stops. There is no more engine sound; there are no more lights. There is only the sound of the man breathing very hard. The rough hands pick me up. I hear the slamming of the door. I am being taken into the darkness again. I am so afraid.
I feel my body moving up and down very rapidly, but I cannot see because he is holding me against him, with my face shoved up against his chest. I can tell that the man is running very fast; he seems to be running and climbing, running and climbing, and I am helpless to break free, as if my body is limp with fear. It feels like my head is going to disconnect from my body and his hand is pushing so hard against me it feels like my bones will break from the pressure. I cannot move my body, but I can scream.
Continue reading →